So it’s February 6th 2013 and I just dug my way out of a makeshift dwelling I built after my home and community was destroyed in December. Water is not an issue because it snowed, big time. Good thing my pair of Louis Vittons survived the cataclysms because everywhere the eye can see is in white-out conditions. To top it all off, I’m on my last Tanka Bar, haven’t seen a Snickers in weeks and I’m out of Pepsi so it’s time to forage for victuals. Besides, I had to go outside to pee.
Well, so much for global warming because the snow is now about 100 feet thick burying my part of the planet in a velvety white coffin. Not even power poles are visible anymore. After several days trekking around the new neighbourhood it has become all too apparent that everything is buried and totally out of reach. I can’t even locate where the 7-11 down the street where the ole stand by textured soy burritos used to live. To make things worse, I’ve already eaten my pets; Mr Turtle; who became my walking sandwich and Bear the Wonder Dog; only because he had designs on my joining his food group first. Just when despair and starvation begins to set in, a flicker of something shiny in the distance catches my eye. With the last spurt of energy I make a beeline for this last glimmer of hope. Or at least I hope it is.
Advancing towards what appears to be a metallic object it becomes clear that this is one of those UFO’s, stuck in the snow like a Frisbee in the sand. Well, the visions did say, “no one from throughout the universe would be immune to the wrath of nature in the time of change” and for this crew of extraterrestrials it would appear they are toast. Finding the spare key I open the hatch of this wondrous craft and discover 3 dead alien guys or girls or whatever the hell they are. If they are dudes then they needed some major Viagra since I can’t see their tiny willies, not that I’m looking. If they are chicks, where are the boobs?? They must have a boring sex life being test tube babies and all. And talk about buck ugly, they don’t even have a butt.
Now for the next question, where is their fridge or ice chest? Surely these guys had to eat and drink something. Maybe they still have some cow parts left over from their last mutilation. No telling which parts they might have but I ate a Mickie Dee’s mystery meat burger before so this should not be too different anyway. 100% Beef, what a sales pitch that was and people bought into it not realizing cows consist of more than prime rib and sirloin. In any event I scrounge around the craft and can’t seem to find anything at all to eat, not even a cow uterus. I mean there is nothing at all to be found, glove box and trunk are empty except for a few unopened packages of anal probes, pair of cheap sunglasses and a couple Jefferson Starship CDs. What would Survivor-Man or Andrew Zimmern do, I wonder?
One thing is for sure, these space dudes are not G*DS since they are deader than a door nail and on the bright side, they don’t stink to bad or appear rotten. They seem perfectly preserved, probably from being irradiated while tripping around the universe absorbing all those cosmic rays and stuff. Voila! I may have found sustenance after all, though they don’t appear to have much meat on them. But check out the head cheese and Survivor-man did say eyeballs are loaded with nutrients, or was it that Bear dude from the UK? In any event this shiny craft has become my cornucopia of survival food. But they do look a little funky with those meatless bony arms and legs. Gads, I just realized, since they don’t have an ass how do they, umm do their business? Here I am starving to death after a global catastrophe and all I can worry about is how some booty-less space dude craps? I need a life.
Dragging them outside of the ship, I proceed to slice and dice my celestial culinary adventure. Where is their frigging liver and all the normal goodies inside? The blood sort of looked like ours except for those metallic sparkles and that funny yellowish red tint. Gads, I hope they don’t have jaundice, granted my liver more resembles a jar of strawberry jelly so I should not snivel. Besides, it’s not nice to talk bad about your food. I must be more thankful and should not feel guilty since I did not whack the dudes and I am starving to death. Now if only I had some wood for a fire, I could have a Texas style BBQ, less the sauce, seasonings & spices and a pick up full of Lone Star Beer. Fortunately, I still have some survival garlic salt in my backpack. I should have backed some Picante Sauce. They just look so funky but crab and lobster never passed any beauty pageants either and I eat the hell out of them or should I say ate?
As I consume my little alien treats from space I am struck by the distinct aroma of sulphur and hydrogen peroxide in the meat and my mouth has a metallic sensation. Did I eat the space suit? Shiza! These boneheads are radioactive but with a little garlic salt they still go down OK. I can’t say they were that delicious because the meat had the texture of vinyl and foam rubber. I believe a red wine is in order but any wine would be OK considering it’s the end of the world. Then I ponder what reptilian space dudes might taste like and imagine they would be more like gator since they are lizards. There is more meat on them too. Cajun style star people sounds good to me. After all, they are not G*D’S, just an entrée.
Moral of the story: Remember to pack Garlic Salt, Mesquite Wood, and Picante Sauce in your survival gear. Yes, extraterrestrials are edible but in a time of extreme hunger and starvation, so are you.
Texas Style Extraterrestrial BBQ
8 boneless, skinless alien breast halves (They have no Butt)
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon ground paprika
1 tablespoon thorium
1 teaspoon salt (iodized)
1 teaspoon dry mustard
2 chopped jalapeños
1/4 cup distilled heavy water
1 teaspoon garlic salt
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 cups tomato-vegetable juice cocktail
1/2 cup ketchup
Your Devil’s Advocate